Letter One

Here it is! One of the five letters. I generally put the dates in bold and in brackets. Due to my own “dignity” of sorts, I’d like to keep that private.

I wrote this poem a while ago. At the time I was so upset that my “feelings” were still lingering inside me after that period of time, and I was even more frustrated because emotions are beautiful yet hard because your mind becomes blindsided and not realistic. I was also frustrated because feelings can become familiar, familiarity comes along with having comfort and having a state of being comfortable (without any good intention) is not healthy. Years have passed and I realize we all learn through past experiences and I am thankful that I am more aware of God’s desires than my own desires. I am aware of learning to be humble in everything I do. I hope.

“I Was Falling in Love with a Boy who was Careless”
You were precious in my eyes from the very beginning.
Your smile captivated me from the start.
The way you held my hand while you were leading me to a beautiful place.
The way you dressed, the way you spoke, your attributes were immensely compelling.
You were awfully selfish, but beautifully knowledgeable.
After being enamored by your charm, you suddenly became distant.
Your likeness in me faded and your likeness in other attachments became more relevant.
I knew from that moment you were losing interest and I became more aware of ‘what was’ than ‘what is now.
I ignored the issues and was consumed by past happiness.
I was falling in love with a boy who was careless.
The way you introduced me to your family brought me joy.
I admired their kindness and genuine hearts.
I admired their steady and stable aroma of goodness.
From that, I admire you much more.
I admired how you were brought up with this beautiful family.
Every time we gathered I had more admiration and more excitement.
Shame on me for falling in love with a boy who was careless.
It has now been a little over a year.
I still feel stuck. I still feel a bit ugly.
The way you glance at me and quickly turn your head from the other side of the room.
I still feel vulnerable, I still feel trapped.
The way you glance at me and you quickly sprint out the door.
I still feel mad, I still feel worthless.
Today I realize the immaturity you brought upon yourself.
It makes me sad.
I do wish for much hope and so much happiness.
It still makes me sad.
Today out of all the other days when I have seen you, I realized I did not fall in love with a man.
I was falling in love with a boy who was careless.
I know one day you will be a great man to a lovely woman.
But you did not behave like a man to me.
You gave me unlimited excuses and one truth.
You brought me to quiet tears.
I became silent which seemed louder than the echoes of justice.
I have learned of a pain which seemed threatening to whisper.
In the mornings I woke up jumping out of bed looking forward to seeing you and became the same bed where I wanted to hide from you.
I was falling in love with a boy who was careless.

 

A boy who I had high expectations of hope, of happiness, of smiles which (at the time) seemed everlasting.
 
This is still a hard lesson to learn from a boy who was careless.
 
——-
Photo by T. Al Nakib-

The reason why I chose this picture is… the relationship I wanted as a commitment. I always felt secure yet always wondered what was outside. I loved the idea and the what ifs, however, I was never confident if the hopes I had were going to be a reality. So I always left that window open and allowed the wind to remind me of being cautious.

 

Coming soon | Letter Two: “The Boy Wearing the Well Dressed Suit”
 
Best.

One Reply to “Letter One”

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