J&M

Today I am thankful for my beautiful sister. A week ago from today she passed away suddenly and I am deeply saddened by her absence, but I am very  happy knowing her presence is in the arms of our Lord, our Heavenly Father. She is no longer chained with sin and tribulation.

I miss her so much! I love her so much. Sometimes I feel numb. Sometimes I feel like there is an ache in my chest after realizing a “missing” I never knew would exist. It’s a missing of me not seeing her sooner than I wanted it to be. An “unknown” of when or what – type of missing. I was typing up my thoughts around midnight and here are some:

The family gathered all together Sunday morning. Outwardly, I am acting okay and learning to be back to the new normal. Emotionally, I am flustered and I am not depending on acting right or wrong because there are certainly ways to act upright or reckless when it comes to a death. I am obviously still fretting with.. “you weren’t there, you weren’t there.”

J, the whole family was gathered together and you weren’t there. I am angry and sad because we all should be there together. There is a hole I am finally admitting and you were so important to all of us, truly important.

J, you weren’t there because you felt like you didn’t deserve to be there.
You weren’t there because you didn’t feel like you were worthy.
You weren’t there during the holidays because you needed to be elsewhere.
You weren’t there to answer my  messages or phone calls because you didn’t want to, or you were too busy.

J, you weren’t there because you felt foolish.
You weren’t there because you didn’t want to be there.

When you weren’t there, there were a few times I disagreed with you.
When you weren’t there, I easily made judgments with your decisions.
When you weren’t there, I missed you and wished you were there.
When you weren’t there, I loved you even more.
When you weren’t there, I hoped you would come back to visit soon.
But when you were there, you were there in spite of your doubt, your ego or my own ego.

J, when you were there your laughter was contagious.
When you were there your arms were wrapped around me so tightly and I didn’t want to let go of you. I wanted to keep hugging you.
When you were there your presence was undeniable and I wanted to capture the memories as much as I could.

When you were there your smile lit the room.
When you were there, when you were there… you were there to remind me I have an older sister who I look up to. You made me believe rolling my eyes is a good thing as you went from room to room spewing jokes.
When you were there your long, straight and beautiful hair was always down and I admired how you kept your appearance together.
When you were there… I was there too, and that is the most important memory of all. I was there with you.

Fear not, for I am with you;
Be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous had.
||Isaiah 41:10||

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