missed

-Photo by Me-
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I miss you. I love you.

Not a day goes by where I think of you and all of our memories together.

Today, my sister would have been a year older, but reality became this uncanny arrival of you exhaling your last breath, and you were absent.
This morning I thought to myself, “I’m trying to understand the reality of absence.”

It was an emotion I didn’t know existed, and a reality I wanted to run away from. The reality of you being gone hit like a canon which casually escalated into quiet tears. I don’t want this reality and I fear it will consume me, but it has certainly became obvious.

The reality of your absence was very evident today:
I couldn’t text you because I knew there will never be a response.
I couldn’t call you because you will never pick up again.

I couldn’t drive up to see you because I knew you will never live at your home anymore. You have a new home where I have to learn to patiently wait.

I’m never going to see your smile, and so I look through photos of you and me.
I’m never going to hear your laughter, and I try to remember the holidays we were there together.

I’m never able to communicate with you the way I used to, and I look at previous messages you’ve sent me.

I never want to be this angry and experience this pain, but I am and I need to be OKAY about it.
I never want to have doubt when it comes to my emotions, but I am right now.

I have acknowledged doubt as a familiar and comfortable sign of restlessness… which has filled me.

I will always be rest assured knowing this:
“I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to HIM are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.” ||Psalm 34:4-5, 17||

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